Me, starting a video that says it’s going to explain how Victorian poorhouses fucked up the concept of charity forever: ok, show me what you’ve got
Video: it starts with the ideas of the Christian philosopher –
Me: DON’T SAY IT DON’T FUCKING SAY IT
Video: – John Calvin
Me:
Who (he asks, half to piss you off and half because he genuinely doesn’t know)
You can’t piss me off with that question, because unless you were raised like I was - deeply religiously and within an Evangelical Protestant family - you will probably have never heard of John Calvin.
In short: John Calvin was a French theologian during the Protestant Reformation. He was a philosopher in the same way that ebola is a living thing, or the same way that C4 on a bridge revitalizes a riverfront. If you’re familiar with the way that many people say that Reagan is to blame for everything shitty about modern American politics, well, they’re half right.
A lot of it is actually John Calvin’s fault, but that’s just because his shit philosophies are responsible for ~90% of the shit you hate about American life, period.
I’m British but wow
Good (actually terrible, but) news: John Calvin is also responsible for fucking up where you live!
Anglicanism’s major tenets were formed largely by Thomas Cranmer attempting to negotiate a “middle way” between Lutheranism & Calvinism. Many aspects of Calvinism were adopted into the Reformed traditions central to Anglican theology & the via media, or middle way, is unfortunately basically just two shitty people playing tug-of-war over the exact way in which Anglicanism would be terrible. This is so foundational to the Church of England that it is addressed in the 3rd paragraph of the opening section of the Wikipedia page on Anglicanism.
Sorry to be the bearer of shitty news! John Calvin is the Worst!
Calvinism, in brief, for those unaware:
Free will isn’t real. God makes literally everything happen, and if you complain about it you’re complaining about God.
Why does God let bad things happen to good people? Fuck you, that’s why. Are you questioning God?
God already decided if you’re going to Heaven or Hell, probably before you were born. There’s nothing you can do about it. It doesn’t matter if you try to be a good person, or if you accept Jesus, or if you go to confession, or if you saved five thousand orphans from a burning building. If God ~mysteriously~ decides “fuck you, burn forever”, that’s your fate.
However, God likes to show little signs of who he likes. Say, having lots of money, or being hot, or not having horrible illnesses. Good things happen to “the elect”, who are people God likes. Bad things happen to everyone else.
Rich people are probably going to Heaven, and they’re just better than you, because that’s God’s secret sign that he likes them more than you. Why? Because fuck you.
If bad things happen to you, it’s probably because you deserve it and you’re going to Hell. Likewise, if you’re poor, ugly, or disabled, you’re probably going to Hell.
All of this bullshit has of course had a heavy influence on:
Capitalism, because having money isn’t a sign that you’re exploiting people, it’s a sign that God mysteriously wants you to have nice things. Nothing you can do about it, free will isn’t real!
Imperialism, because if you succeed in taking over a place and stealing all their stuff, that’s a sign that God likes you. If God liked them, it wouldn’t have happened, so you’re really following God’s plan. And torturing people who are already going to Hell barely even counts, they probably deserve it!
American exceptionalism specifically. Consider the above, and mysteriously, all the native people start dying, leaving vast tracts of land for your people to settle. Well, gosh! God genocided a continent to show that it was secretly always ours! He must really like us!
Witch trials, debtors prisons, insane asylums, &c. They aren’t hot or rich, so by definition, they’re probably evil and deserve for bad things to happen to them!
… and half of the other shitty things that happen in our society, basically. Calvinism is horrific and it underlies a lot - especially in the US and UK, because the Puritans and Roundheads were mostly Calvinists.
(This was the religious freedom that the Pilgrims were seeking. The freedom to be horrible antisocial creeps.)
This is a pretty good basic summary, yep.
This is Netherlands erasure. Our entire literary tradition is about how Calvinism wil mess you up. Every year there is a new memoir or film about having been traumatised by Calvinism.
There’s a line of a song about a calvinistic childhood that goes:
“I know one thing, if God exists, He is not a Calvinist.”
At no time did I say Calvin only fucked up the US or the US/UK. He’s responsible for fucking up an awful lot of countries on at least 3 continents.
I have a motto, and that motto is “if there is something wrong in America, an early modern motherfucker is at fault.”
That motherfucker is frequently John Calvin
Like genuinely about 90% of what’s wrong in the US rn is either down to John Calvin or Ronald Reagan.
