CONCLAVE: DAY ONE UPDATES
VII Maius, Anno MMXXV, Civitas Vaticanus
- Cardinal Grech has been murdered
- Cardinal Parolin was caught dicking down Cardinal Turkson in the House of Saint Martha
- Cardinal Zuppi attempted to steal the Fisherman’s Ring and sell it to the Sicilian mafia
- Cardinal Roche brought kilos of Colombian sugar and shit got off the chain
- Cardinal Becciu turned up unannounced but he brought some local hookers with him and was let in. one of them was Giorgia Meloni
- Cardinal Müller’s wife turned up and made him go home
CONCLAVE: DAY TWO UPDATES
VIII Maius, Anno MMXXV, Civitas Vaticanus
- Cardinal Sarah overslept, went too hard on the leftover pizza and had a heart attack and died
- Cardinal Erdő whored out his mother to Cardinal Burke in exchange for his vote
- Cardinal Koch lead an invocation of Ba’al, where Cardinal DiNardo suffered the worst LSD trip of his life
- Cardinal Sarah smashed Cardinal Eijk’s Hatsune Miku speaker and blamed it on Cardinal Kikuchi
- Cardinal Farrel tried to demand Cardinal Tagle’s downtown Manila Fuck Pad in exchange for his vote, but was denied (he’d sell that baby to no man)
- Cardinal Pizzaballa was overheard saying “fuck that asshole Jesus”