Is your refrigerator running? Then you better go catch it. Sure sounded like a good idea (“they’ll deliver themselves,”) but now it’s a huge pain in my ass. I’m a Fridge Runner.
Nobody thought of the consequences of mixing internet-of-things garbage with self-ambulatory refrigerators, until suddenly they came downstairs for breakfast and found that Belorussian crypto kings had stolen the eggs in the fridge – along with the fridge. Cops busted a warehouse yesterday that was just thousands of Maytags wandering around in a circle, beeping as their batteries ran low. Sent me out there to put them all down and bring them home.
People ask me what they can do to keep their fridge from getting jog-jacked. Really, the best thing you can do is to go find your own fridge when it decides to run an unexpected half-marathon. If you just now noticed it’s gone, it probably hasn’t gotten far. Ramming through the nearest exterior wall or window slows them down quite a bit, and they lack hands to operate fence gates. Stairs? Not great at those either, if I’m honest. Calling the technical support people to send someone like me out after it is going to take a couple extra days, minimum, and by then your entire vegetable crisper will be a write-off, even if I can catch it before it crosses the state border and becomes a legal voting citizen.
We’ve got it barely handled for now, and there is some good news. Ovens and microwaves are pretty light, so they haven’t added legs to those suckers yet. I can only imagine how many people would be having a bad morning if their gas range decided to go walkabout. They will add legs one day, though. They always do.