Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching for cover, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Daniel Gilroy announced his resignation Tuesday after accidentally playing porn on the nation’s Emergency Alert System. “This morning at 11:21 a.m. EDT, I opened up a pornographic video on my laptop, pressed play, and, instead of sending the audio to my headphones, broadcast it via our national public warning system to over 340 million Americans,” said Gilroy, adding that he was deeply sorry for any fear or panic he’d caused by playing the sounds of a nearly two-minute video titled “Horny MILF Sucks Stepson’s Huge Cock” on all U.S. cable, broadcast television, and AM and FM radio, as well as through thousands of loudspeakers used as hurricane and tornado sirens across the country.
