hey can we stop it with the “[maladaptive trauma response] is actually selfish” line. “people pleasing is selfish” it’s a defence mechanism. “refusing to communicate your needs is actually selfish in the long term” it’s a defence mechanism. “expecting reassurance from others is selfish” it’s! a! defence! mechanism!
these behaviours are not ideal. hence me using the word ‘maladaptive’. but they don’t come from nowhere. if someone is people pleasing that hard it is likely because there was a time when harm would come to them for not doing so. reframing that behaviour as “selfish” does not do anyone any good. it just makes them feel worse for. you guessed it. how they inadvertently make other people feel. someone is not going to recover from obsessive people pleasing by being told “the real people pleasing behaviour is open communication :)”
now. my specific kind of trauma makes it really hard for me to exist peacefully alongside an obsessive people pleaser. I freak out if I feel like people are lying to me. so I understand the urge to reframe those behaviours in this way. but even purely from a practical standpoint it just isn’t helpful or useful advice for someone to take on. it really isn’t