This is going to be a bit of a vent but I’m also curious if anyone else feels the same. Please share if you do ❤
Something I’ve been feeling more and more recently is the drive to be creative, and I’m going to be honest but it doesn’t feel good? I’ve never been that good at art or music or woodworking or textiles or baking or anything expressive, really. When I see someone playing an instrument beautifully, constructing a lovely little ornament, or even just a reference sheet for someone’s OC I feel an intense sense of longing.
The only thing I would consider myself notably good at is gaming, and that doesn’t really feel like something I can share with people, as in I struggle to express myself with it? I can’t show people how I feel by playing a run of Isaac the same way a pianist can with the notes they play. What I feel like I’m missing is the ability to draw a scene and have people see what I’m feeling inside. That sense of understanding that comes with damn good art.
I know the popular response on this site is “do it badly anyway” and I really do appreciate the sentiment but doing something badly just makes me feel truly awful. I can’t get around that mental block no matter how hard I try and it’s stopping me from practicing any of these skills. It doesn’t feel like I have so much space to improve, it feels like I’ll always be this bad because I always have been. Regardless of how provably untrue that is it’s how I feel.
I want to be able to enjoy the process but that’s simply impossible for me right now, not when everything I try ends up worse than I expect. I know it’s a problem with my mindset and not a profound lack of talent but it’s just as insurmountable a barrier to me. I wish I could play the violin.
Hello! I have been through this and I have SO MANY THOUGHTS! In fact, you have unlocked my personal art manifesto that I’ve been thinking about for the last couple of years.