homunculus-argument:

1. feed the local birds - ideally corvids, but pigeons will do just fine, seagulls if you are brave and fear nothing. Choose seeds, or something else that’s non-perishable but healthy for birds.
2. get them accustomed to your presence, feed them at different times in a handful of different locations that you rotate between, so they learn to associate the feeding with you, specifically, and not the time and place that you are in. Always keep the feed in your pockets just in case.
3. teach them a specific word you’ll call out as loudly as possible whenever you’re about to distribute the food.
4. that specific word is ATTACK!
5. if you ever feel threatened by another person while walking down the street, you can just yell out ATTACK! at the top of your lungs.
6. ideally, the threat has no idea that this is the birds’ cue for Food Person Is About To Distribute Food, and is scared shitless by the sight of a flock of wild birds swooping in at your call, and flees.
7. if this does not work, there is a very low, but above zero possibility of the birds seeing that their usual feeding routine has been interrupted by someone bothering The Food Person, and actually do start swooping at this inconvenience so that they can have their meal.
8. in either case, feed the birds as reward and payment for their work.
9. ?????
10. fear tactic bird guard.