Everything Tumblr has told you about Moby-Dick is absolute bullshit, and everything that Tumblr has told you about Moby-Dick is 100% true. It’s a travelogue fantasy. It’s proto-science fiction. It’s cosmic horror. It’s shockingly original and it’s shamelessly plagiaristic. It’s a misotheistic Christian parable in which the whale is the mask of a cruel, uncaring God and Ahab is Satan himself, not as trickster or as tempter, but as doomed hero. It’s the most gripping thing you’ll ever read. It’s boring as shit. But above all else – and I cannot emphasise this enough – it is filled with Facts About Whales.
Some of which are even true.
I’d argue that the wrong Whale Facts are much more interesting than the correct ones. Every time you run into an incorrect Whale Fact, you’re left with several options:
- It’s something which was believed to be true at the time of the work’s authorship, and later proved not to be.
- It’s something which was understood to be a popular misconception at the time of the work’s authorship, and Melville’s research failed him.
- It’s something which was legitimately an unsettled question at the time of the work’s authorship, and Melville just happened to come down on the wrong side of the debate. (This is most likely to be the case when the Whale Fact in question relates to taxonomy; e.g., the whole “what is a fish?” business.)
- It’s something which has no known precedent outside of the work itself, seriously, where the fuck did Melville get that?
Each of these options has a potentially fascinating story behind it. Basically, when Melville gets a Whale Fact right, that tells you a thing about whales – but when Melville gets a Whale Fact wrong, that tells you something about the context of the work’s authorship. And frankly? I’ve got better sources available to me if I just want to know things about whales!
Sample whale facts from Moby Dick:
- whales are absolutely fish.
- Linnaeus argues that whales are not fish, but: consider their vibes.
- Whales have fish vibes.
- A better way to sort and classify whales is to sort them by types of books: namely, folios, octavos, books and chapters.
- Only by sorting whales as books we can comprehend them all, but as books we can definitely ultimately comprehend them.
- For example, one type of whale is the sulfur-bottom, who has a yellow stomach probably from scraping against Hell. There are no other facts that are true about the sulfur-bottom, and anything else you may have gathered about them is probably a lie.
- Theologically, all existing names for whales are okay except for the stupid ones. The Black Fish is a stupid name, so it should be called the Hyena Whale. These are statements, not recommendations, and are once again based on vibes.
- There are a lot of reasons why Narwhales might have a horn, but probably the most vibe-based one is that it could use its horn to help it read small books. Think about it.
- Killer whales attack other whales by biting their lips.
- Biology aside, Whales can also be differentiated into Fast-Fish and Loose-Fish.
- “What are the Rights of Man and the Liberties of the World but Loose-Fish? What all men’s minds and opinions but Loose-Fish? What is the principle of religious belief in them but a Loose-Fish? What to the ostentatious smuggling verbalists are the thoughts of thinkers but Loose-Fish? What is the great globe itself but a Loose-Fish? And what are you, reader, but a Loose-Fish and a Fast-Fish, too?”
- Sperm Whales are the biggest of all things.
Etc. Etc. Ishmael’s voice throughout is of frantic, somewhat desperate persuasion mixed with last-minute undergraduate bullshit, swinging between lofty theological authority and accusing the reader of being a fish. Hanging out with Moby Dick and its jokes are like being in a room with someone very exhausting who constantly says things that are 65% true. Whales should best be taxonomically defined as books, and frankly, it’s none of your business why.
At some point you’re like, “Ishmael, I don’t think whales are fish,” and he’s already interrupting you with “the planet is a loose-fish,” and you’re like. Ishmael, words work best when they mean things. And he’s like: I Review The Top Five Whale Oils For Burning For Light (Number Four Will Surprise You.) also I’m absolutely trolling you.
And you’re like, okay Ishmael, I do know you’re trolling me, but how much of your own bullshit do you believe?
And he’s like, that’s exactly what a whale would say.