some of y'all need to learn how to accept hospitality. stop assuming people are only offering to look after you out of twisted obligation that they don’t actually want to do. when you assume that, you are often denying someone the opportunity to genuinely show a friend or stranger love. even if you don’t really care about what they’re offering, it’s respectful of their desire to be kind to accept it anyways.
i had a bunch of girls i’ve never met over for a women’s group. every single one of them denied my offer to make them tea (despite already making myself a mug anyways), get them water, a scone, etc.
i can tell when people refuse to let me be a good host because they “don’t want to be a bother”. like no!! please be a bother!!! i want to serve you and make you comfortable in my home!
not to be like “we live in a society” but really do live in a modern culture than emphasizes individualism to the point where people will reflexively deny any help or kindness from others for fear of treading on their independence. newsflash: dependence on each other is what makes a community. next time someone offers you kindness, accept it instead of making excuses for why you don’t need it. otherwise you’ve robbed both yourself of being loved and someone else from showing love.
One of the things that really helped me make friends as an adult was learning that people want to be wanted, they want to be useful
Accepting help and offering help in return was key to deepening acquaintances into fully-fledged friendships
What up everyone Jack’s talking about the croissant thing again:
In 2019, I was very mentally and physically ill, and I was recommended to an IOP program, or, as I often called it, Suicide Prevention Daycamp For Grown-Ups.
It was technically a 4-6 week program, but I was not in a place where the counselors and I agreed that I was safe to graduate the program until about week #22 or so. So I was going to intensive group trauma therapy (to say nothing of all the other doctors I had to see), for 15+ hours a week for 5 months.
And one of the things that helped me regain and strengthen my will to live more than anything was going to the nice little bakery beside the hospital in the mornings before session started; buying 3-4 pastries, a banana, and a Lara bar (a gluten-free vegan* snack bar); taking one pastry for myself; and then walking around the morning meeting room at IOP giving away everything else.
* I’m not vegan for gluten-intolerant, but at least one person in my program was.
I did this once on a whim after about a month at IOP, and I liked doing it so much that I then continued to do it every single day I was there for the next 4 months. (I didn’t have a lot of extra money, but it was some of the best spending I’ve ever chosen to do in my life, and I have never regretted it.)
There were about 12-20 of us there in the mornings, depending on the day, and the interactions generally went like this:
Me: Good morning! Have you eaten?
Them: Uhh no.
Me: Okay cool! *I open up my white paper bakery bag like I’m a semi-suicidal Santa* So I’ve got a chocolate croissant, an almond croissant, and a banana left! Which one would you like?
Them: Ohh, you don’t have to do that, I don’t need anything…
Me: I didn’t ask if you need anything, I asked which one you’d like!!
Them: Someone else might need it more…
Me: I have bought these items for the purpose of giving them away, and if no one takes them, I will have to throw them out.
Them *with the most grateful look I’ve ever seen on a person, knowing they haven’t been completely forgotten and that it IS easy for at least one person on this fucking planet to be goddamn kind to them*: …the chocolate croissant. :)
Me *realizing that I want to spend the rest of my life chasing this feeling and showing people I care that they are okay and then realizing that I’ve suddenly started thinking of “the rest of my life” in the long-term again*: Awesome, here you go! :,)
—
And I like this post because it made me remember how grateful I am that those folks let me be kind to them because just by taking a banana from me and saying thank you, they literally helped me build up the will to live and to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
It was also a great way to remind a lot of thoroughly abused, invalidated, and neglected people [read: generally, most of us that end up at mental hospitals] that someone gives a fuck about them in a tangible way, and that at least SOMETIMES people offer help without secretly expecting guilt or repayment.
More than once, someone told me that when they came in on their first day, terrified and not knowing what to expect, they felt instantly more at ease after seeing me bustling about giving people high-quality snacks! And in a suicide-prevention program, feeling safe to stay in and be vulnerable in a space means a LOT.
- Comments like that one changed my entire self image tbh. The “croissant thing” gave me a tiny sense of control over my own life when I was close to death, and it showed me how just the tiniest amount of kindness and consideration can mean SO MUCH to people.
And none of that would have happened for me if all those folks hadn’t believed me when I said I really wanted to make sure they had something to eat! What a kindness it is to be allowed to do a kindness!!