We’ve done it. We finally did it, gang. The duel foretold in the stars. For aeons, we have said it- “The Stanley Parable is Portal for mlm.” “Portal is The Stanley Parable for wlw.” People have pointed out the similarities- a game from the 2010s with a catty obviously non-heterosexual voice watching your every move. A silent protagonist who may be a bastard. “Person who physically cannot shut the fuck up and is insanely obsessed with their silent bastard of choice.” A sequel that’s ten times gayer and sillier than the first game. An inanimate object that you grow attached to that the gay voice at one point or another gets annoyed you’re so attached to it. The british.
Crossover art. Swap AUs. Posts about how hilariously divorced both of these couples are. Thinking through what would happen if one swapped roles with another. What chaos would Chell and Stanley wreak on the Parable? How much easier would it be to solve puzzles in Aperture with two people instead of one? Posts drawing parallels- the bucket and companion cube, Glados and the Narrator, Chell and Stanley, Wheatley and the void. Gays everywhere latched onto the similarities. As they should.
And at last, after all this time, they fight. The ultimate lesbian versus the ultimate gay. A duel fortold in prophecies, in stars, in Tumblr posts talking about how the Countdown end and Glados’s morality core being removed both probably awakened things in mlm and wlw respectively. At last, after over a decade, they finally face off in the ultimate duel to ask. Which of the two of them is the best disembodied voice?
The winner here is the Narrator.
I do not say this as a disparagement against Glados. I am a lesbian. I love her so so so much. It’s the lesbian nature. And Tumblr as a whole loves Glados and many want her carnally.
I direct your attention, my robotfuckers, to the name of the poll. “Disembodied Voice Bracket.” Now, loves, look at Glados’s beautiful robotic body. I know it is not difficult, she is beautiful.
However it is this that dooms her in this poll. For this is a poll on which is the best disembodied voice. And while Glados is spectacular and wonderful, she has a body. Meanwhile the most appearances the Narrator has ever had is a signature and a speaker. He has no body, he has never had one at all. Thus, he fits the conceit of this poll best. It is a poll for disembodied voices, and the Narrator fits that definition far more than Glados.
