every special ed program i was in had some kind of system where your behavior was graded on a little sheet with different scores in different categories. its one of those things that i was shocked to eventually discover was actually specifically a special ed thing. getting a good grade in behavior.
one of the more insidious ones came later in my life, when i was 9 or so, there was the system where in addition to being graded on different things like “respect” and “self control” you could also earn “contracts” if you behaved badly, like they’d give you a slip of paper where u write down what you did wrong and what you can do better next time & then the contract is Active for a certain period where u lose some privileges, i forget exactly what. i remember a teacher came in & told my class that our group (the youngest group, i might add) had the most active contracts out of any of the groups and we needed to shape up. i didn’t have any contracts at the time, i actually went a really long time without earning one, but then they just kinda started happening? like things would “go wrong” in ways that felt outside of my control, and it just kept getting worse and worse until i was the biggest problem child in the program. i remember all the worst most traumatizing meltdowns that left me injured and shell shocked were after i felt like i’d figured out how to be a good dog. i dont think i actually ever learned how to behave.
i reread this article at least once a week because it feels like i’m being heard for the first time in more ways than was probably intended.
