A true fact about life as one of my loved ones is that I am a natural storyteller and as a consequence my loved ones are going to hear repeats of the best of my repertoire. Especially in groups where I’m meeting new people, I’ll often trot out well loved stories my friends have heard before if I know it’s a real crowd pleaser. The tales become dog eared and polished to smooth perfection. It’s a safe way to charm a group of people as I can almost always command a room for the duration of a short story and earn social points. I’m getting a good grade in society, something that is normal to want and possible to achieve!
My betrothed deals with repeats with loving resignation. After the third or fourth repetition they tend to get dulled past enjoyment. They told me they’ll skip reading some of the most repeated ones I add to Tumblr, even if the turns of phrase are new and exciting it’s still the same story they’ve heard a million times.
Today I had the unique pleasure of being reminded of one that fell out of use. My friend and I were grabbing brunch and I mentioned my sex shop stories are popular. She worked with me at the store and knew most of the ones I added.
She said, “Oh, you must have told the glitter rag story then!”
I paused and scoured my brain then slowly said, “I don’t remember that one…”
“You told it so many times, I couldn’t forget it now!” And so she retold my tale back to me, and I’ll tell it to you now to be preserved.
One thing that’s expected of you as a worker in a sex shop is to have funny stories. Clients will ask for the horror stories, but they’re honestly not prepared for the gruesome nature of some of my extraction tales. For this reason the glitter rag story became my go to anecdote when asked to relay something saucy, because it was in fact quite clean and could be told in a few lines as I checked someone out.
One of my extremely beloved regulars told me this as she was picking up a bottle of lube: She said she was heading out the door, she was rushing to get to a gynecologist appointment and had just gotten her kids dropped off and had a moment at home before zipping out the door.
Worried that her labia might be worse for wear after a busy day she grabbed the closest thing at hand to wipe herself down, then dashed out the door. She made it to the appointment on time, and was glad she’d taken the moment to wipe off.
So she goes in for her exam, and gets up into the stirrups and waits for the doctor to come in. The doctor joins her, chatting and lifting the blanket to see what they’re working with and starts laughing. The woman was initially terrified to be having her junk laughed at but the doctor managed to say, “You didn’t have to dress up for me!”
It turned out the rag she’d wiped herself down with had been on the craft cart in her home and had most recently been used to sop up a large quantity of glitter that she’d then applied to herself. The doctor had been met with a Twilight vampire under full sunlight when they lifted that sheet and couldn’t keep it together.
If this or my other escapades made you laugh you could pop a tip into my Ko-fi! For more like this check my tag “ffs foibles”.