*Trying to make small talk at a bar.* Barnacles are more closely related to butterflies and crabs than they are clams and snails. Kinda fucked up, right? Yeah, they have antennae and everything. I always thought they were mollusks as a kid but they’re not. They’re weird little freaks. They’re arthropods and crustaceans at that. If you ever see barnacles growing on a lobster or a crab, it’s like their lame cousin is hitching a ride with them. I’m scared of barnacles in the cosmic horror way Sherlock Holmes pretended to be worried about bivalves in The Dying Detective. Are you more of a mollusk guy or a crustacean guy? I love them both, can’t pick a side. Do you like Sherlock Holmes?
Would you like another drink? I’ll pay. Bartender, a gin and tonic with extra tonic for me and whatever my friend wants. I need the quinine. My leg is cramping. In 1911, my great great grandfather went to the drugstore to get quinine as a prophylactic because malaria was still a huge problem in the swamps of North Carolina at that time. The pharmacist accidentally gave him liquid morphine so he mixed himself a gin and tonic with morphine instead of quinine and he died. Actually, I think my great great grandmother might have killed him. Women could do that if they wanted in those days. If I had a wife, I wouldn’t mind if she killed me a little. What did you order? Good choice! I like you, you’re fun.