I wanna talk about the loneliness of being trans and intersex.
It’s lonely just growing up trans alone, and the same with intersex.
If you are in any of these groups, you’ll find yourself a stranger to almost everyone around you. But generally you’ll be able to still find big groups filled with people like you.
But the intersection of these two groups is small. And both groups don’t often understand each other.
I think it’s very common for trans people to in times of great pain, consider going back to before you transitioned, especially if you don’t have many people around you.
But if you’re also intersex, especially if you have a condition that’s more impactful and harder to miss.
You don’t have anywhere to return to. And when you look to other trans people, you find no one with bodies like yourself.
You’re not quite trans, and you’re not quite cis. Even among the people you’re supposed to be like, you’re a stranger.
And as someone with an extremely rare intersex condition that also isn’t externally visible. It’s easy to also doubt it is even real, doesn’t matter how much proof you have of it.
But even when the doubt isn’t there, you just can’t find anyone like yourself out there.
It hurts to find myself forgotten in both groups I’m supposed to be apart of. Almost no matter where I go, I’m alone.
Intersex cis people, as much as that might seem contradictory to some.
They don’t grow up constantly being told they aren’t what they claim to be the same way trans people are. No matter how much I want to just ignore my trans exprience and the label. Being trans is still a huge part of how I’ve grown up.
I’ve been beaten belittled and even raped for claiming to be what I am, I can’t just throw that away. But even then, I am not like perisex trans people. My body really does work differently.
My transition once I actually started was nigh instant. I don’t struggle with passing, I don’t struggle with my voice. I don’t struggle with being seen as a woman now, and I barely ever did, even before my transition.
And even though this sounds wonderful to so many trans people who do struggle with these things, and don’t get me wrong. I am infinitely thankful of it.
It also makes me lose out on shared experiences. It still makes me feel alien in trans communities.
The irony of “having it easier” making things harder, it’s not lost on me. And for how much I thought this would make me happy, it has not. Not at all. Instead I just feel more isolated than ever.