Great get online and go to a job board. Indeed, Linkedin whatever. Now you’re gonna search for a role that’s in your city, fits your qualifications, and doesn’t seem like a bad time.
See that easy apply button? Don’t hit it they just throw those in the trash. Now you’re gonna want to go to the company’s website and check their careers page.
Oh? That job doesn’t exist anymore. Cool go back to the job board and find another one.
Great you found another job, you’re on the company’s career page and the job exists!! So you’re going to need to make an account on the career page website. They’re using Workday, the same site as the last job you applied for? Who cares? You need to make another account for THIS job’s workday page.
Now you’re going to upload your resume. That’ll autopopulate about 15 boxes with everything on your resume, except formatted wrong and with tons of errors. So just go through and painstakingly check the dates on all of that and rewrite everything you already laid out in an aesthetically pleasing format on your resume.
Ok time for the cover letter, explain why this specific job and company are deeply important to you. You love their mission statement and wouldn’t even laugh if their ceo was gunned down in the street. You’ll really want to reiterate the things you just spent the last 20 minutes filling out on the resume section
(Remember to include language from the job description, people who work in HR are lower than dogs and they need patterns or they get confused.) Write about a page, but hey don’t sound too desperate or robotic this is where they judge your character!
Maybe add your portfolio site at the end here, who knows if that helps no one has ever clicked mine haha.
Anywayyy time to hit apply! Congrats! You’ll see that confirmation email come in and you should be getting the rejection letter in about 2 weeks. Unfortunately your resume didn’t have the right buzzwords and the AI auto rejected you :(
Two lesbians are walking toward one another on the same path. The first lesbian leaves at 5:05 am traveling at 20 miles per hour. The second lesbian left 35 miles away, at 5:30 am traveling at 30 miles per hour. What is the EXACT time that the collision will occur?
So I had a hysterectomy today (hooray!) and I brought along my stuffed orca, Shamu, as a comfort object. And everyone i interacted with during my pre-op was like “Oh! Who’s this?” so I was telling them all about him, how he’s been with me since I was 9 and gone on every single vacation and road trip, and they were telling me about their own stuffed buddies (one lady said she still has hers after 40 years!) and all of this while I was signing consent forms and providing a list of the things I’d brought with me, you know, small talk.
So then a nurse comes over and goes “Okay, I’ve got some stickers I’ll put on your things so we know they’re yours” and I’m like “OK cool” so she puts a sticker on my coat and stickers on my bags of clothes and then she turns to Shamu and I’m like “oh I guess he gets a sticker too”
But no. She pulls out a hospital bracelet that’s an exact copy of mine and slaps it on his tail, like so:
And i was delighted by this, so I took a picture to send to my friends, who were equally delighted, and were cracking me up with their reactions (like so:)
Anyway, they take me back and put me under, and when I awake groggily a few hours later it takes me a minute to get my bearings, so I don’t notice Shamu at first. But then I realize he’s tucked up next to me in the gurney, so I grab him, and my hand touches gauze.
And I’m like “huh?” so I look at him and I realize
They gave my fucking orca a hysterectomy
you have to understand the glass shattering over my head i felt when THIS was the first message i saw from noa after his surgery
So I had a hysterectomy today (hooray!) and I brought along my stuffed orca, Shamu, as a comfort object. And everyone i interacted with during my pre-op was like “Oh! Who’s this?” so I was telling them all about him, how he’s been with me since I was 9 and gone on every single vacation and road trip, and they were telling me about their own stuffed buddies (one lady said she still has hers after 40 years!) and all of this while I was signing consent forms and providing a list of the things I’d brought with me, you know, small talk.
So then a nurse comes over and goes “Okay, I’ve got some stickers I’ll put on your things so we know they’re yours” and I’m like “OK cool” so she puts a sticker on my coat and stickers on my bags of clothes and then she turns to Shamu and I’m like “oh I guess he gets a sticker too”
But no. She pulls out a hospital bracelet that’s an exact copy of mine and slaps it on his tail, like so:
And i was delighted by this, so I took a picture to send to my friends, who were equally delighted, and were cracking me up with their reactions (like so:)
Anyway, they take me back and put me under, and when I awake groggily a few hours later it takes me a minute to get my bearings, so I don’t notice Shamu at first. But then I realize he’s tucked up next to me in the gurney, so I grab him, and my hand touches gauze.
And I’m like “huh?” so I look at him and I realize
They gave my fucking orca a hysterectomy
you have to understand the glass shattering over my head i felt when THIS was the first message i saw from noa after his surgery
I’m noticing after 5 years of having this blog that sometimes I’ll find out I’m following someone I don’t remember following who doesn’t seem to have ever been in any of my fandoms, and it’ll be a very confusing experience for me. For instance, I discovered I was following someone who only posts pngs of cars with no caption. Sometimes I’ll see a blog on my dash named something like [celebrity]-daily who I’m following and I’ll have no idea who the celebrity is, but maybe I knew 5 years ago. Sometimes it’s more simple, like finding out I’m following someone who seems to have only ever drawn fanart for gacha games I’ve never played. It’s interesting in a way
“OK” SO IT SEEMS AS THOUGH MY GENETICALLY MODIFIED KILLER BEETLES HAVE ESCAPED. HAS ANYONE SEEN MY FUCKI🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲OH G🪲OD🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲 SHI🪲🪲T🪲🪲🪲🪲🪲🧪AAAHHHHHHHHOOOHhh Hey. That One Learned thge basics of Chemistry . #Proud
THIS IS GETTING A LOT OF “NOTES”. I PRESUME THIS MEANS YOU ARE LEARNING MY WAYS. GOOD ! LEARN FROM THE B🪲🪲🪲🪲AH SHIT THEY’RE BACK .
I have seen this post probably at least 20 times courtesy of @lukadjo, each time passing over it thoughtlessly and only now do I process the bizarreness of it
I have seen this post probably at least 20 times courtesy of @lukadjo, each time passing over it thoughtlessly and only now do I process the bizarreness of it
I have seen this post probably at least 20 times courtesy of @lukadjo, each time passing over it thoughtlessly and only now do I process the bizarreness of it
I have seen this post probably at least 20 times courtesy of @lukadjo, each time passing over it thoughtlessly and only now do I process the bizarreness of it
I have seen this post probably at least 20 times courtesy of @lukadjo, each time passing over it thoughtlessly and only now do I process the bizarreness of it
I have seen this post probably at least 20 times courtesy of @lukadjo, each time passing over it thoughtlessly and only now do I process the bizarreness of it
sorry for exposing your tags but this is hilarious
OP, I hope you don’t mind me making an addition:
When I turned 17, we ordered a cake at the grocery store for my party, as we’d done many times before. If you wanted something written on the cake you’d write it into a section of the order form. We requested, very simply, “Happy Birthday Courtney”. When we went to pick it up the day of the party, this is what we got.
The bakery employees had absolutely no explanation for this. The order form, attached to the box, very clearly did not contain any of those extra names. Whomever had done the writing was no longer in, so there was no one to ask how this had happened. The fact that the name ‘Juan’ is misspelled bewilders me to this day. (I’ve never seen ‘Miley’ without the E, either, but it’s believable that someone might spell it that way.) Did this cake slip in from an alternate universe where I’m one quarter of a set of Hispanic quadruplets? Dyslexic Hispanic quadruplets, maybe?
This cake became the focal point of my party. At least two of my friends regularly called me ‘Courtney Mily Jaun Pablo’ for years to come. My siblings and I still reference it sometimes, eleven years later. It is probably the funniest thing ever to occur at any birthday celebration of my life, and may well remain so for the rest of my days.
“i also choose this guy’s dead wife” was easily the #1 funniest thing to ever be written on the internet.
you can know the punchline but you can’t stop it from punching you.
i do also feel the need to add that phil8248 really liked the joke. he said his wife had always had a dark sense of humour, even about her illness and death, and seeing the joke made him feel like he was laughing with her one last time.
“I also choose this guy’s wife” is a Goncharov-level meme on reddit.
The fact the guy with the dead wife loved the joke and it reminded him of said dead wife’s sense of humour makes it so much better. I didn’t think it was possible to love this post more.
i don’t know why but i’m really amused by the winner of some ‘new kanji’ contest:
compare with the real kanji
座 (seat/gathering), but the two 人 (person) radicals have been moved from next to each other within the 土 (earth) radical to diagonally from each other, making this “social distance(d seating/gathering)”
This is hilarious, but to further the hilarity, I’d like to point to the fact that half of the “A rank” (runners up) for this contest also are related to 2020 epidemic jokes
First up we have:
Compare with
太
The original kanji means “to gain weight”. But it adds the
コ “ko” and ロ “ro” katakana symbols at the top to represent the weight you gain while staying home due to the corona virus.
Then we have:
Compare with
会
The original kanjij means “meeting”, but the lower radical is changed to look more like a “Z” to represent Zoom meetings. Thus, the new kanji means “web meetings” or “zoom calls”
And of course another social distancing one:
Compare with
話
This means “to talk” or “chat”, but it’s changed simply to show the two radicals social distancing from one another as we should also while holding conversations nowadays.
At least we can have some fun language humor despite all of this!
wow i wonder what trans women could possibly dislike about a prescriptive system of categorisation assigned at birth. good thing sherlock holmes is public domain because nobody else could crack this big fucking mystery
‘in defence of my comfort pseudoscience, it is in fact meaningless bullshit that says nothing’
No no my beliefs aren’t deterministic, but by the way have you considered maybe you only disagree with me because of your male socialisation?
ALT
ALT
ALT
