we would find out later i had burned off my entire cornea - about 65% of my eye. my doctor told me it is the organ with the highest concentration of nerve endings - i was in an amount of pain that can’t be spoken.
and i was blind. for the first time in my life, i was totally blind. i kept thinking about reading, about writing. weirdly, just once, about driving. we had no idea if i would ever see again. just like that - my entire life was different.
it is a strange place to reference for a soft memory, to begin here.
my siblings were taking excellent care of me, but there was a moment in the hospital where, just through bad luck and timing - both of them had to step away for a moment. i was crying at that point; not emotionally. for 3 days after this i would still be crying, my tears, like a mermaid’s, a frothy pink with blood.
my brother worried about leaving me. he had another, just-as-bad emergency.
“i got her,” someone said. “don’t worry.”
a soft hand held mine, and then she started talking.
her name was jess. she has a wife named clyde. they live a few blocks up the street. clyde fell down, but the x-rays seem to be coming back better than expected. jess says she’s got long dark hair and “more wrinkles than an elephant”. jess describes every chair in the room and every person. she talks about her two kids and her cats and her favorite memories from college.
a doctor came. i had to switch to a different waiting room. i tried to stand up to follow the voice - i found jess’s hand, following me. she didn’t let go. she kept talking the whole way: lamp to your left, just a few more steps, okay to your right is the ugliest painting, good, now a little more walking straight, you got it baby
in the new silence of the next room she sat me down and called my brother for me, telling him where we’d gone to. and she stayed there for a bit, just chatting, her voice echoing in the eerie quiet. gently describing the room to me. and then someone was rude. from the sound of the voice, a kid, i think.
“why is she crying?”
“she just lost her vision,” jess said. “she can’t see.”
“oh.” said the kid. “that’s scary.”
the kid tells me he is here because he has peas stuck up his nose. that makes me laugh, his mom (?) groans. she tells me about the kid (he’s 6, he likes paw patrol and eating cheese), about herself, about moving from cali.
jess says she’s sorry, but she has to leave now, she’s gotta go check on her wife.
“don’t worry,” says the mom. “i got her.” and then i felt her hand press into mine.
for hours like that: i am taken care of by strangers. each person just talking with whatever comes to their head - not for any reward or celebrity or real reason, i guess. just because i am scared and alone and in the hospital and blinded and need to be distracted. not everyone even got told the story - they would just pick up in the silence with - oh by the way the television is playing HGTV - do you like that kind of a thing?yeah, me too, but could never quite get into those open-floor plans, i’ll tell you -
by the time my brother is able to come back, the room is buzzing. we talk to each other like old friends, laughing, cracking jokes about if you don’t like hospital food wait until you get on an airplane and can’t believe i’m up past two in the morning what a party animal i’m becoming. i am holding the hands of someone named drew, who likes my crow tattoo and making crochet snails.
there are many dark moments full of pain in this world. this - in the low of absolute-dark, absolute-pain: people find a way to paint in it anyway. the color splash of their voices: this triumphant, radiating kindness of - let’s be here together, let me help you, let’s keep going.
i never saw their faces. i can’t remember many of their names. but i think about them often, and the way we all took a deep breath - and did something gentle amongst the pain.
Most of us could probably stand to benefit from reading this. I did. It’s really lovely.
“We’re gonna be talking about the BOOBY! We’ll be talking about the WOODCOCK! Do you think that’s FUNNY, Butthead? Do you find it AMUSING that we’ll be talking about the SWALLOW? Yes, we’re also gonna be talking about the DICKCISSEL, the BUSHTIT, the COCK-OF-THE-ROCK, the SHAG… and we will DEFINITELY be spending a LOT of time talking about…GREAT TITS!!”
this gif is perfectly timed because it gives you enough time to read it, comprehend it, and still have this too-long-for-comfort moment of suspense before being punched square in the solar plexus
[ID 1: drawing of four non-descript characters smiling lined up, three of them have pale skin while one has brown skin and a more mischievous expression, the characters has text pointed to them reading “that one character that gets the melanin because they’re angry/agressive” End ID]
[ID 2: drawing of four non-descript characters lined up, three of them have varied brown skin and expressions while one has pale skin and a more calm smile, the characters has text pointed to them reading “that one character that gets less of the melanin because they’re passive/calm/fancier” End ID]
Fact 5067: Japanese honeybees kill hornets by enclosing them in a ball of bees, and then shaking so fast and generating so much heat that they cook the hornet at 115°F.
isn’t there a part of the bible where god gets mad at a fig tree for not having any figs on it and curses the fig tree?
yeah there legit is that’s 100% true
Yes.
Oh my god
last time we reblogged this we got anon hate from the christian community. You guys really are passionate about your figs.
I just love that they included this story like do you think Jesus and the Lads just retold that story every time they had a drink like “NEVER HAVE I EVER CURSED A FIG TREE” and Jesus is like “you GUYS”
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
AND CALVIN IS WITH THE GIRL THAT HATED HIM ASFHAGS
im crying a lil bit
I need this in my tumblr forever.
is anyone gonna talk about how his kids name is bacon???
HE’S WITH SUZIE THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD OTP
who names their kid bacon
Calvin and Hobbes were Reformation-era philosophers, as was Frances Bacon. I’m better his daughter’s name is actually Frances, but he calls her by the appropriate last name of the philosopher, just as Calvin and Hobbes are last names.
is no one gonna talk about how the girls afraid of Donald Trump in her closet
I think we’re all afraid of Donald Trump in our closet
do genuinely find it fascinating how indeed.com is like the biggest job-hunting website out there and yet manages to be profoundly useless in every possible way
i apply for a job. i never hear back.
i search for “entry level jobs”. i am shown listings for things like “military intelligence officer”, “senior veterinary surgeon”, and “forklift engineer”.
i search for “jobs in bookselling”. i am told that there are 9 bookselling jobs in my area. when i read the listings, 8 of these 9 jobs are care assistant roles and the 9th is a pyramid scheme.
i search for “jobs within 5 miles of my location”. i am shown jobs that are on the other side of the country.
i type in “proofreading”. i am shown listings for “ai training”.
i search “creative industry jobs”. half the listings are for finance companies and the other half require a degree in data science.
i receive an email. “based on your profile, indeed thought you would be a great match for this opportunity!” the linked job requires a degree that i do not have and 5 years of experience in a field that i know nothing about. the email does not explain why this opportunity would be “a great match”.
i receive an email. “based on your profile, indeed thought you would be a great match for this opportunity!” underneath, in the body of the emaill, it warns me that i will not be able to apply for the job it has sent me because i do not meet the criteria.
i apply for a job with a temp agency. i never hear back. 2 weeks later the agency website goes down and never comes back up again.
i apply for a job. 6 months later i get a stock email telling me my application has been unsuccessful.
i apply for a job. i never hear back.
indeed (and most job sites) absolutely suck but im a veteran of their bullshit so here are the tips i can offer to you
take advantage of indeed’s tools and configurations. i know this sounds condescending but theyre easy to miss. when you search for a job, you can make a pre-set configuration of job search filters on the top of the UI for a search. this allows you to edit for location, how much it pays, education required, etc. indeed will save this configuration and you can just click on it every time you go
indeed also allows you to completely remove a company from results. this is very useful for the “ai training” listings, which spam up editorial jobs at any level. click the three dot button on the job listing, then “not interested” on browser, or the thumbs down icon on mobile. this will give you the option to completely remove that company from future searches. you can also hide specific job titles and pay rates.
MAKE SURE YOUR RESUME IS ATS OPTIMIZED. I cannot stress this enough. ATS is the automated system most companies use to parse resumes and sift through hundreds of apps. if it’s not able to parse, you’ll get auto rejected nearly every time – this happened to me for weeks before i changed mine. Try to keep it to one page and keep it plain if you’re not a designer. Resume dot com has ATS-friendly templates you can use for free.
Make your resume bullets achievement-focused and use numbers. Don’t just say what you did. Say what you accomplished. Instead of “Managed morning shift at Kroeger,” put “Managed 12 cashiers in a fast-paced retail environment.” Instead of “drove delivery trucks,” write “Drove over 30 daily deliveries across three states.” Use whatever resources you have at your disposal to punch up what you did. Brag a little. “Was named employee of the month for June 2023 through August 2023,” “Turned around [x number] of deliverables in [time] for [project].” This is probably the biggest mistake people make with resumes.
Have a cover letter template that you can easily tweak for your desired job. Lots of places will ignore your app without a cover letter, but they’re time-consuming and annoying extra work – in my experience, slightly tweaking a standard template will do just fine and save you energy.
don’t bother with the indeed emails theyre bullshit, just unsub lol
again, I hope this doesn’t sound condescending – I say this stuff because I made all of these exact mistakes a billion times before other people gave me this advice, and it’s worked wonders for me. I hope it helps, sincerely.
remember that interviews are not about giving a good and honest first impression that they’ll carefully consider. interviews are about saying the special words and phrases they’re looking for that give you points and when they tally those up whoever earned the most job points wins
they don’t want to “know you” they want you to walk in there and regurgitate everything the job description said
isnt even a joke btw if you’re autistic and/or unemployed and nobody taught you this yet i’m really sorry
TikTokers are such pussies when it comes to ships. “B-but they’re not canon 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😖😖” honey back in my day we shipped characters from entirely different medias uphill both ways in the snow
We need to reintroduce crackshipping into the zeitgeist. We use to be a society damnit.
do you feel like "ethical hackers"/hackers who work for corporations to improve their security are rivals to you or is there no real comparison? curious because i read something about that recently
not specifically about this but kinda touches on it, also “ethical hacking” doesn’t mean anything and is a bs word (everyone defines it differently and means entirely different things with it)
A children’s book about a baby dragon and its adventures. The baby dragon is Druk and his dad is Fire Lord Zuko. Fire Lord Zuko is the most important person in the whole wide world because he is Druk’s dad, and for no other reason that Druk is aware of. Fire Nation politics are ever-present in the background (boring stuff humans talk about, bla bla bla) but not nearly as important as Druk being given Lots of Treats and Cuddles
Sometimes Baby Druk gets to go to fancy parties with Druk’s Dad. He sits on his dad’s shoulder and sometimes he flies onto the shiny silver platters and eats tiny little slivers of people food even though “no” and “that’s not for dragons” and “come back here”. Sometimes people are mean to Druk’s Dad and Druk breathes little bursts of fire in their direction. Druk can’t breathe more than a little puff of fire yet, and Druk’s Dad can breathe WAY more fire, but Mean People are much more scared of Druk for some reason? Anyway, when that happens, Druk’s Dad chuckles and gives him more Forbidden Food
some of y'all really need to re-examine what the word racist means because it’s not always just “loud and proud white supremacist intentionally causing harm”. sometimes it’s “otherwise ‘nice’ person acting on internalized racial biases that they refuse to examine”.
like my god the second “racist” gets dropped in a conversation some of you completely shut down under the weight of all your white fragility and refuse to listen to or act upon any criticism of your harmful actions, however intentional or unconscious they may be, and it’s honestly pathetic. grow the hell up. learn to be uncomfortable in discussions about racism or you’re never going to become better.
we need to make using chatgpt embarrassing bc sorry it really is. what do you mean you can’t write an email
“ikr i only use it for-“ whatever you use chatgpt for is also embarrassing. you do not need the plagiarism machine that lies and evaporates water for anything actually
This isn’t very hard when you know some of the most genius strategies in human history were incredibly stupid, circumstantial events that led to victory by sheer luck of that strategy working.
Case in point: Tsun Zu’s rival defended a city with 10 men against Tsun’s army of hundreds by disarming his own soldiers, dressing them in plain clothes, INVITING Tsun’s army to come in, and it only worked because Tsun knew the guy was an ambush master and thought “if we attack the city he’s inviting us into, we will die.” and left without even trying ON THE BASIS OF HIS RIVAL’S REPUTATION AND NOTHING MORE
Another example: Tsun Zu, on being told his soliders were out of arrows during a battle against a city across a river from them, had his men craft scarecrows, put them on a boat, send it out on a line, leave it there for half an hour, then pull it back in and used the arrows the enemy had fired at the boat to restock their own ammunition. It only worked because it was foggy and the enemy couldn’t tell the difference between the scarecrows and actual soldiers.
Stupid things like that work INCREDIBLY WELL if the circumstances favor them, so you really don’t need to come up with some multi-layered, Shikamaru-esque strategy. You just need to come up with a strategy you like for the characters involved, then write the circumstances (weather, environment, individuals involved) to favor it enough that it works.
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