For those that aren’t in Australia right now, we have the funniest scandal going on.
Firstly let us introduce you to the eye of the storm: Sam Kerr. Sam is a women’s soccer player who has in the last year become one of the most famous and beloved athletes in Australia. Captain of the women’s national team, Sam became something of a cult figure after the last Women’s Soccer World Cup became a complete unpredicted sensation in Australia, with the whole country getting behind the team.
Sam, up until now, has had probably one of the most squeaky clean images in sport. Generally in Australia it is not uncommon for our sports stars to be caught up in scandals involving drugs:
violence:
drinking their own urine:
or if you’re cricket legend Shane Warne, probably all three at once.
Contrasting all this, Sam’s image as the squeaky clean saviour for sport made it all the more shocking this last week, when it was announced that Kerr was to face trial after having been charged by the UK police of a “racially aggravated offence” involving a taxi driver.
This was shocking news. Nobody knew what to make of it. Sam was a model for young girls everywhere and a national treasure. “This is why we can’t have nice things” screamed the nation. It seemed like all hope was lost.
That is, until, yesterday, when the UK police finally revealed the full details of the case, in which Sam Kerr, sporting legend, was arrested for vomiting in a cab, and then telling an intervening police officer that he was a “stupid white bastard”.
Now we probably don’t need to point out that in Australia, vomiting in a taxi and then calling a cop a bastard is about as close to a national culture as we have.
You could not have come up with a better headline to make someone a national hero.
Needless to say, Sam in now being hailed down under as the greatest legend that ever lived, and a petition has already been started to have her picture added to the $5 note.
The tide has swung so far that not one, but TWO, state Premiers have spoken out in support of Kerr, and the Prime Minister has even gone on the record describing her as “a delight”.
And so ends the racial abuse saga of our greatest sports hero of all time, and the very first reverse milkshake duck to ever exist.
In the 2010 Australian election, candidates running under the banner of the “Australian Sex Party” won 250,000 first preference senate votes, making it briefly the fourth largest party in the country
“If I had time travel I’d kill Hitler” “If I had time travel I’d stop my favourite politician getting assassinated” you’re all thinking way too small. If I had time travel I’d stop Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin from dying on the moon due to Soviet sabotage, kicking off the Great Nuclear War and devastating half of the planet.
Your mum’s ability to hold up under active gunfire was really hot. I’m your dad now.
Isn’t that the plot of Terminator
Where do you think the plot for Terminator came from?
This is such a classic trainwreck post that has the vibes of a 2014 screenshot posted to Pinterest and then the last addition is just last Tuesday I can’t even
Imagine how I feel
This post is a goldmine
This post is an eagle that has a taste for my liver
“If I had time travel I’d kill Hitler” “If I had time travel I’d stop my favourite politician getting assassinated” you’re all thinking way too small. If I had time travel I’d stop Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin from dying on the moon due to Soviet sabotage, kicking off the Great Nuclear War and devastating half of the planet.
Your mum’s ability to hold up under active gunfire was really hot. I’m your dad now.
Isn’t that the plot of Terminator
Where do you think the plot for Terminator came from?
This is such a classic trainwreck post that has the vibes of a 2014 screenshot posted to Pinterest and then the last addition is just last Tuesday I can’t even
Imagine how I feel
This post is a goldmine
This post is an eagle that has a taste for my liver
That’s the human equivalant of the “sir are you aware you are a cat” meme.
I thought I was Jewish when I was her age but I was actually Catholic so when my Jewish friends invited me to give a prayer at his house during Chanukah and I recited “Our Father who art in heaven…”, my friend’s mom got on her knees and said to my face in a super soft voice, “Joey, I think you’re catholic not Jewish,” in front of everyone and I thought I was in trouble and I started crying.
do you ever hear people talking about something and you’re like. fuck. let me be real for a second. i’m too much of a commie to have this conversation
“of course this is the bare minimum amount of labor someone must perform to be a human being worthy of being alive! what do you think, rimon?” brother if i told you what i think about this your head would fucking explode.
Lying to children is fun when they know you are being ridiculous. When you hold up a carrot like “guys look at this huge Cheeto” and they all scream “NOOOOOOOOO that’s a CARE-OTT!”
“What? No, it’s my giant Cheeto.”
“NOOOOOOO!”
When I was a camp counselor a fellow counselor claimed that any silly camp song we sang was “his next hit single” and we should all follow him on SoundCloud and he stuck by this daily and it never ceased to amuse both the adults and the children.
When children are small and learning to count and you say the numbers out of order? Peak comedy.
“How many toys are there? Let’s see… oneeee, twooo, six!”
“NO! One two three!”
“What? Are you sure? Let me try again. One, two… six?”
“Noooooo!”
Once reduced a toddler into a fit of giggles by singing “A B C D E F Q.”
on Halloween at the store i work at there was a little boy in a Batman costume, and as I was helping his mom I kept addressing him as Mr. Superman and Mr. Aquaman & he kept correcting me, “noooo, BATMAN” until they were leaving and he very seriously told me, “actully, I’m Ryan”
The worst thing for me about playing Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom is how desperately it makes me want to write a very traditional fantasy story with a deaf, nonverbal blond swordsman travelling through a magical landscape having little adventures.
Do it please because I want to read it
The Curse-Collector
When Mern was thirteen years old, he made a pact on the sun and the moon and the newly released souls of his parents that he would do everything in his power to protect and nurture his beloved six-year-old half-brother, Hollow.
Twelve years on and his promise is so far kept - save the curse laid upon them by the man of their nightmares. The brothers are bound to the road, unable to settle anywhere for long before the magic renders them into their new home’s worse fears. To survive they have turned to many a trade: messengers, merchants, and even treasure-hunters. With Hollow as their voice and Mern as their common sense, they’ve carved out what a life they can.
Until rumours reach them that the Curse-Collector has returned. The dying fragment of a god, the Collector has taken many forms from animals to avatars and is said to be able to burden any blight from its previous owner. If the brothers can track it down, they can finally have a home.
But the Collector only awakens when the spirits are under great threat and they are far from the only seekers.
Reysand, the greatest and most terrible magician of his age is on the move. If he can capture or kill the Collector before it can do the same to him, he will hold unimaginable power to continue his dark ascension.
Mern and Hollow know exactly what he is capable of. After all, its his curse they’re trying to escape.
In light of @staff ‘s recent post, let me remind you of the absolute irony of this piece about censorship of trans identities and bodies getting hit with a mature label
I’ve decided if people are going to call male characters babygirl then I can do it the other way around for female characters. She’s my man now. That woman is my boyfriend. My boytoy even.
When I was in middle school we would do these weekly things called “Flag Salutes” where the entire school came out to the quad to stand in big ranks and sing patriotic songs. I lived in one of the most conservative counties in America and the teachers took the Flag Salutes very seriously.
We hated them. We didn’t really clock the nationalist nature of the thing but we we hated being asked to stand in a big group and sing songs for nobody. It was boring and goofy. Thinking about it now, it really was just our teachers using us as fodder for a Mass Ritual to Prevent 9/11 from Happening Again.
Eventually, some kids developed a sort of game. The ceremony had all these little dramatic pauses between sections of a speech or in-between songs. Kids would wait for those little pauses and, right before the song started, just shout “NINE ELEVEN!” There was a voice for it to. You had to sound kinda like a Patrick Star or a similar exaggerated dunderhead type character.
It made the teachers incredibly mad but nobody ever got in trouble. The trick was to drop the Nine Eleven the moment before the song started so they couldn’t stop to focus on who was yelling. Once they start the ritual they couldn’t stop it or the spell would backfire and the Taliban Would Get You or whatever.
i do, in fact, know shit about things. i know who william eggleston is :-)
Who is William Eggleston? He has a fun name.
he’s a photographer who pretty much got the color photography industry started. before him, not a lot of people would use colors, as it was considered a waste of time and money, and most people would only really take photos of carefully staged situations and people.
eggleston, though, would take photos of every day, mundane scenes- gas stations and diners and strangers on the street. he basically would take moments from real life and translate them into images, practically identical to reality. it was pretty unheard of at the time, and pretty controversial.
why the FUCK is there a big spider on my bedroom wall it doesn’t look like any spider i’ve ever seen in my entire life what the fuck
are you sure it’s a spider?
yes i am it looks like this
oh that’s a wolf spider. they taste like celery and pork and they aren’t poisonous.
why is it in my room
and why do you know what it tastes like
@sicklythiasuswhy do you know what a wolf spider tastes like
nom nom.
what
yummy yummy in my tummy tummy
when and why did you eat a wolf spider
band camp, 2019. there was an infestation. i started eating them to get rid of them. i have since eaten cockroaches, crickets, grasshoppers, and those little green grass spiders.
the greenies taste like vegetarian sausage.
why was your solution to eat them
i mean, no one else was gonna.
ooh thatsa wolf spider. they taste like celery and pork and they arent poisonous.
Right, considering the current state of corporate politics on this site, and that it seems that only those affected seem to be actively speaking on the matter, it is up to I, the only fucking cishet on tumblr, to drag this out to a wider audience.
REBLOGIF YOUR ACCOUNTISA TRANSFEMSAFESPACE.
We need to show these higher ups how much we truly value them.
includingtheweirdweirdtrannies
is your blog a safe space for freaks, deviants, cringe failgirls, transfems you find personally annoying, transfems who are Loud and Opinionated, is it safe for all of us ?
I live in a 3rd floor apartment with no elevator. The stairs are too narrow to get a full-grown walrus up. I couldn’t get a couch up them without disassembling it.
The choice isn’t between “Magic is real” and something unusual but possible, like a walrus being in someone’s front yard. The choice is between “Magic is real and someone wants to talk to me” and “Magic is real and someone used it to teleport a walrus to my door.”
That’s it. That’s the dream. I’m almost mad that that’s the dream.
That’s half the dream. The other half is being fairie fucking godmother to everyone on the planet.
See, I had 100k for a hot minute. Doesn’t matter why. But for nearly a calendar year, I picked up the tab every chance I got, i lavished people with gifts, I took a friend to Greece, I paid for healthcare for myself and a few other people, for lawyers to help someone get out of an abusive marriage, Christmas presents for a single mom of 3.
It felt incredible. Just to take away the worry and say, “I’ve got you.” Instacart groceries to a grieving friend of a friend across town. Pay the unexpected car repairs. Gift a young artist a yearlong subscription to Procreate.
That’s why I’ll never understand billionaires. If you could fix it, if money could actually make even one life better, why would you not do it? Even just for the kick? Hell, i don’t care if it feeds your ego. Be Tony Stark, be Superman, idgaf. When you’ll never be able to spend all that you have, even if you some up every damn day like it was your job, if you could end world hunger six times over for the price of a social media company, why wouldn’t you just DO IT?
I don’t have a coherent conclusion to this, except that if I ever meet Jeff Bezos, I’ll beat him to death with my bare fists.
Okay, in saying the following, I recognize that this is going to sound pretty “out there”, especially if you’re someone who is younger on the internet.
And I will preface what I am about to say with some credentials: I am an Internet Old. I am also someone who is paid professionally to work in the horror genre from time to time. I am also someone who has studied psychology, as well as studying some NLP-type shit (that I do not find ethical in the slightest, as an aside, and I quickly noped out of)…
I also want to let you know upfront that what I will tell you is NOT to make you worry or feel afraid. I am sharing this info only so that you can “see through the curtain” as it were, and recognize media and stories like this for what it actually is.
The tl;dr is - please be very criticial of any online horror story that does not provide a sense of catharsis or release at the end, or at the very least a sense of closure or ending. Or anything that is about someone giving up control.
Why? Because creepypasta stories like this may seem merely surreal and/or hilarious to you, but shit like this is actually subliminally priming you to be more easily manipulated and controlled.
Basically, this story is linking a fear response (a sewer man! - that sounds bad and weird at first) with a violent action - or a taking away of rights/possessions (the coffee that gets poured in the sewer) that comes from someone with power (the soldier) who is “solving a problem” (thinking rationally - how would coffee dumped in the sewer fucking help anyone?!?!) where the victim (the woman) is shown how the solider is “right” to do what he did.
The subliminal lesson here is that the solider does what he wants to do, because “he knows better” than the civilian girl. This story basically ends on the action of “the soldier did the right thing” and there is no real catharsis or sense of ending. You know, the kind of message that implies “be scared, rely on those in power”. The idea that we should just comply.
And, as a thought exercise: the story would be so, so much different if it were a sweet little old lady that took the coffee. The initial scare/weirdness factor could still be there, but it wouldn’t have that same ‘heaviness’ feeling to it, you know?
Please just think smartly about media, okay?
By the way, I am the creator of the Sewer Man post, and here is the ONLY creepy pasta I have ever written:
Thanks for re-blogging my post with this addition, but uh… that “only other” creepypasta you wrote follows the exact same formula.
Woodcocks and a few other species have mastered this bounce-step in order to trick worms and other Arthropoda into thinking rain has come by sending rhythmic vibrations through the soil as they walk. Many bugs surface during heavy rainfall to avoid drowning, hence why the sidewalks are always littered with earthworms during and after a storm.
If you walk with rhythm you will attract the worm.
