With the death of Jimmy Buffett, it’s clear the old world is dying. Boomerism slipping quietly into the night. Maybe no one else better represented its aspirational vision. The end of the work day. The end of history. The possibility, just over the horizon, of a terrestrial paradise. A cheeseburger in paradise.
Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me.
I know there is a lot of discourse ™ around this right now but listen to me
sometimes you do just have to lie to children.
If, when my toddler is, you know, toddling around saying “mama? Big ball?”
If I were lean down and say “unfortunately the big beach ball for some reason fills you with such an unadulterated rage that is beyond human comprehension that you scream until you pass out, so mama had to remove the beach ball from the premises until you can better regulate your emotions” she would simply stare at me like I had 3 heads full of equal betrayal.
So, for now, instead “big ball went night night!”
Please understand when I say “removed the ball from the premises” I mean I popped it in a fit of exhausted confusion. I murdered the beach ball.
See I’ve lied to you all too and it was better this way.
you can’t just leave this in the tags etc.
You can’t be funnier then me on my own posts, I’m in tears from laughter
See this is why I could never have kids. If my child had a favorite ball and I was angry about it existing, I would find ways to not be angry about it existing. If I ever destroyed it I’d feel such profound shame at having just decided unilaterally that a weaker human doesn’t get to have nice things because of my personal preferences that I’d fully and exhaustively confess the whole thing in ten minutes.
Am I weird, or does anyone else have a similar response?
I think you’re falling into the typical “I would do [x] as a parent, because [x] is better” (either more practical or morally or along some other criteria).
Nobody does x. Or if they do do x, they don’t do y, and “my kids would have access to what they wanted even if it annoys me” is a hard thing to presume you would adhere to when THE FUCKING. FISH. WON’T STOP SINGING.
Also, it wasn’t the child’s favorite ball: seeing it caused a rage so great the kid fainted.
I truly, TRULY do not know how to say this, because the fact that I have to say it makes me feel like I am losing my grip on reality. But no, in the post-capitalistic anarchist utopia, I will not be relying on “autistic minecraft girlies” to be building inspectors because - and this may shock you - one of those occupations takes years of education in how to read and interpret hundreds of thousands of lines of regulations based on complicated math and physics that were the result of decades of tragedy and death, and the other one involves playing a children’s video game.
I have no idea why this is suddenly getting notes, but it’s auspicious timing since my code class started today and I get to spend the next ten days learning how to parse the thousand pages of the National Electric Code to make sure I don’t accidentally blow up a hospital or something.
The original post annoyed me not because I think it’s a mainstream opinion that needs to be taken seriously, but because it’s part of a larger trend of hypocrisy I’ve noticed among leftists. Construction is an important trade that takes a lot of skill and knowledge, but things like inspections and engineering can be done by anyone with a passing interest in architecture. Worker’s rights and safe working conditions are of the utmost importance, but actual safety regulations and building codes are just bureaucracy meant to keep us dependent on the government. You should unionize and demand the full value of your labor, but tradespeople who charge a fair price are scum and union members who retire millionaires after a lifetime of manual labor are class traitors who get the wall. We need to respect blue collar workers and how difficult their work is, but also we should abolish the division of labor because those jobs are so simple that people can just take a class in high school to learn how to do them. A lot of leftists claim to respect labor but constantly show that they still buy into the “blue collar labor is unskilled work for people too stupid for academia” stereotypes.
I don’t really have a point but after ten hours of reading densely packed legalese about the minute differences between classifications of hazardous locations and all the extremely particular precautions you need to take to stop them from blowing up the first time you flip a light switch, it’s really annoying to get online and see people advocating for getting rid of building codes because they’re “authoritarian” or whatever.
We literally just had a submarine implode due to someone thinking safety regulations were restrictive, oppressive, and unnecessary.
Here’s a tip: if a belief you have lines up perfectly with a vocal Silicon Valley executive’s stance on the issue you should probably reconsider your belief.
Posting my video on here from TikTok. It’s been a hot minute since I was active on this account but dang, this is where it all started 10+ years ago. I MISS Y’ALL 😭
Oh I severely misinterpeted the title. Thought I was about to watch a bottom surgery speedeun.
Anyway the best opening line to a book is still from The Restaurant at the End of the Universe:
“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
Another favorite is the opener from CS Lewis’s Voyage of the Dawn Treader:
“There was a boy named Eustice Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.”
May I present a strong contender as well:
JESUS CHRIST. Killer opening.
For those of you who are curios:
“Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.”
“I’m pretty much fucked.”
The martian - Andy Weir
“I could have become a mass murderer after I hacked my governor module, but then I realized I could access the combined feed of entertainment channels carried on the company satellites.”
All Systems Red, The Murderbot Diairies - Margaret Wells
As if Rick Riordan isn’t the voice of the people
The one I remember most is Stephen King’s opening line for The Shining:
This is also an excellent example of providing breed-adequate enrichment, because Border Collies are herding dogs. They were bred to run a lot and do multiple quick and sharp turns, so if you can’t provide your collie with an actual herd of animals to… well… herd, an obstacle course like this is a great alternative. That dog is having the time of her life.
This is also an excellent example of providing breed-adequate enrichment, because Border Collies are herding dogs. They were bred to run a lot and do multiple quick and sharp turns, so if you can’t provide your collie with an actual herd of animals to… well… herd, an obstacle course like this is a great alternative. That dog is having the time of her life.
OKAY CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THE FUCKYOU SHIP A PACKAGE OF COOKIES TO A FRIEND WHO LIVES IN NEW JERSEY, ONLY TO HAVE IT NOT GET THERE ON TIME BECAUSE IT SOMEHOW ENDED UP IN GUAM?
I JUST
GUAM?
IM CRYING REAL TEARS MAH DUDES THE COOKIES ARE IN GUAM
KATIE TRIED TO SEND US COOKIES OUTTA THE GOODNESS OF HER HEART AND JUST
“OHHHH THESE COOKIES WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO NEW JERSEY, PHIL? I THOUGHT YOU SAID
12/27, 8:37PM CT
ITS STILL IN FUCKING GUAM
12/28, 12:18PM CT
THE COOKIES ARE IN HONOLULU GUYS THEY ***FINALLY LEFT GUAM***
12/28, 10:22PM CT
THE COOKIES ARE FINALLY ON THEIR WAY TO NEW JERSEY
also as a bonus visual here’s a rough approximation of these cookies’ journey
how the FUCK did this blow up and get so many notes
SO FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES, @homebeccer@phantomrose96@cupcakecreeper AND I WANTED TO KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD ACTUALLY COST THE U.S. GOVERNMENT TO INTENTIONALLY SEND THESE COOKIES FROM TEXAS TO GUAM TO NEW JERSEY AND???????????????
AND
IT’S
IT’S
IT’S NOT AN OPTION IT’S NOT AN OPTION I CAN’T I-
I COULDN’T EVEN HAVE SENT THESE COOKIES TO GUAM EVEN IF I’D HAVE TRIED
Cant believe we uncovered the Guam Cookie glitch folks
Its not even an in-game feature
Oh my god it’s back
H O W
I’ve had this sort of thing happen.
At least it explained why the package took so long to get here.
I appreciate that they have an Entire Stamp for “Missent to Nepal”
No one said “hey let’s stop missending things to Nepal” they just said “let’s make a stamp for this” and called it a day.
I’m gonna get Missent to Guam tattooed on my arm in commemoration.
Get Moist von Lipwig in charge of the US postal service ASAP
Ok I know this is super old now but I work at a post office and I was curious about the price so I did some digging and I still don’t have a definite answer because THE REASON it says “no shipping services available” is because all shipping services were actually suspended to Guam at the time. As in no packages, parcels, letters, or mail or any kind could be sent to Guam. So not only is it mind boggling that it got sent so far in the wrong direction of its intended destination, but because nothing should have been able to get in to Guam period.
You QUITE LITERALLY could not have sent these cookies to Guam if you tried.
You QUITE LITERALLY
could not have sent these cookies
to Guam if you tried.
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
So much respect,even the silly crocs match the outfit
yes true: platforms like that reduce your sense of pressure and how quickly you can shift pedals! it’s even better to drive in socks or barefoot (check your local laws, this is illegal some places)
EVERY SINGLE DAY there are MILLIONS of characters in their late 20s who get falsely accused of being father figures to teenagers when in reality the description of “weird older cousin” or “step-sibling that moved out before you were born” is 1000000x more apt a description
people will just use polynesian words completely incorrectly with completely made up meanings while being really offensive and won’t even care huh lol
mana isn’t a stand-in word for magicka, it’s a specific word for a very specific and very fundamental part of polynesian belief systems that has literally absolutely nothing to do with anything even remotely similar to “magicka”. it’s not pronounced “man-uh”, it’s pronounced “muhnuh” if anything. it’s impossible to explain in a few sentences but mana describes your prestige, power, importance, and status in society. it’s not something to use in a stupid video game to tell people you’ve run out of magic power and need to recharge.
tiki isn’t some random word, tiki is the first human in some (not all) māori iwi beliefs. “tiki bars” are the culmination of white USamerican soldiers being stationed in the south pacific during the world wars, missing our culture when they leave, and forcing hawai'i and other north polynesian groups to cater to them despite not having anything labelled “tiki” in their beliefs. the closest is the hawaiian ki'i. polynesians didn’t even have alcohol before european colonisation (except for one or two very specific drinks in one single culture), tiki bars are purely the result of white soldiers wanting south polynesian culture closer to the USA.
to add onto the previous paragraph, tiki is an atua (the closest translation is a deity but it’s not the same, just understand it has that level of importance) in te ao māori. if people are talking about “tiki totems” at best they’re talking about tekoteko, an extremely sacred form of carving that represents a real life ancestor. any real tekoteko being sold are the moral equivalent of our real ancestors being sold.
like can people please just think about the words they’re using for once. our cultures aren’t a fucking joke and we aren’t some theoretical group that never actually interacts with the rest of the world. we’re here and we’re reading your posts lol. stop saying mana when you mean magicka and stop using tiki bars as an aesthetic altogether.
Every 21st century piece of writing advice: Make us CARE about the character from page 1! Make us empathize with them! Make them interesting and different but still relatable and likable!
Every piece of classic literature: Hi. It’s me. The bland everyman whose only purpose is to tell you this story. I have no actual personality. Here’s the story of the time I encountered the worst people I ever met in my life. But first, ten pages of description about the place in which I met them.
Modern writing advice: Yes your protagonist should have flaws but ultimately we should root for them and like them from the beginning :)
Charles Dickens: Here is the worst ugliest rudest meanest nastiest bitch you’ve ever met in your life.
Modern writing advice: Make sure your POV character goes through a significant arc! Make sure they are changed by the narrative! Make sure they learn a lesson!
Narrators of every book of the 19th century: the lesson I learned is these people fucking suck, sayonara you freaks
Modern writing advice: It’s all about the character overcoming obstacles and learning! They learn their lesson so they can fix their mistakes and make good choices in the future! It’s a character arc! It’s called growth! Readers love it!
Everyone from ancient times through the 19th century: would you like to watch a Guy fuck up twenty times in a row
hoenstly the shit they play on the radio SUCKS the lead singers dont even scream and cry into the mic . can you fucking imagine . they dont even whimper you cant even hear blood in the melodies
the notes arent even covered in blood and viscera . its like they scrubed every lyric and instrument perfectly clean in hopes itd get them popular and it worked but it left everything tasteless and bland and every song sounds the exact same now
Wake up babe, new Philip K Dick story just dropped
okay i read up on this guy and this is legitimately sad for him.
First of all, they neglected to mention that the hologram was of Hatsune Miku.
long story short this guy hit a depressive episode, and found Miku in the middle of that. He became a super fan of her, buying merch and listening to the songs and all that, and became genuinely infatuated. Miku was a good cope for his mental health, and when Gatebox - sort of a holographic alexa with different characters - ran a special Miku collaboration, he picked it up for his place.
Every day for years on end this man would wake up, talk to her, say goodbye on his way to work, and be welcomed home at the end of the day. One day he proposes, and of course the gatebox is programmed to say yes all embarassed and giddy. he’s fully aware it’s a programmed response, but hey, she said yes - and he holds a wedding. there’s a company that’ll give marriage liscences to fictional characters, so it’s as legit as one can get. since he couldn’t bring the hologram with him, he brought the miku plushie he sleeps with every night.
this might seem weird and cringe to some people, but this shit legitimately changed his life. He’s massively improved from his depression, become more social, gotten a job again,and generally re-integrated into society because miku was there to support him through his rough patch.
so yeah, when gatebox stopped supporting the miku hologram, that was very unfortunate. he HAS stated that he’s okay - he still loves her, and he knows it’s just a matter of time before some other hologram of VR thing reconnects them. For now, he’ll be eating with his wife mute and unable to talk to him.
dipping back into coding for cookie clicker mobile update etc etc and figured i’d touch up TaskMaster since it’s just been sitting there since 2016! there’s barely any more polish but i’ve added a number of new features
“Jack of all trades, master of none” … “but ofttimes better than a master of one.”
“Blood is thicker than water.” “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb.”
“Money is the root of all evil.” “The love of money is the root of all evil.”
there’s also “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” which conservatives are oh so fond of saying
bootstraps are, well, straps on your boots. you cannot physically pull yourself up by them, and that’s what the original phrase meant. “pulling oneself up by the bootstraps” is meant to be an impossible task
Shoutout to Louisiana for having the #1 worst baseball team name of all time.
Like I understand where they’re coming from logically. Louisiana is well known for Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras is well known for king cakes. King cakes are well known for having tiny plastic baby choking hazards in them to find. But fucking Baby Cakes?
hey what do you mean plastic babies in cake.
Fun fact! While many Louisianans (including myself) will deny this vehemently, Mardi Gras actually originated in Alabama (we deny this because fuck those guys). Along with the traditions of parades, beads, and general shenaniganary, the king cake originated with the original Mardi Gras celebrations. The cakes used to be less of a social and more of a familial treat, and women would save baby teeth (assuming there were babies in the family losing teeth around that time) to bake into king cakes- usually one or two per cake. It was considered good luck to get a slice of cake with a baby tooth in it, and you’d be considered better prepared for the upcoming month of Lent. Over time, the cakes became more ovular with a hole in the middle, and as Mardi Gras became more widespread, migrated to Louisiana, and a more public celebration, the teeth were replaced with plastic babies. So that’s why we have tiny plastic choking hazard fake babies in our wildly popular Mardi Gras cakes. Which for some reason we named a baseball team after.
hey what
TO BE FAIR!!!! I NEVER ATE A TOOTH!!!!!! THAT WAS THE ALABAMA GUYS!!!!!!!!!
hi! what!
Networking win!
every once in a while my mutuals will dm me and be like “can you help me with lying about something” and its awesome
This is your legacy now. And honestly there are worse legacies to have
I don’t know any of you, hitting the reblog button.
Nono guys you don’t get it you’re only allowed to interact with mutuals, no liking, commenting, reblogging, following or even viewing unless they’re your mutual. Otherwise you’re rude, oh well
