i go to the job interview. there is a square table set out with a dish of assorted unwrapped candies, and an HR manager sitting on one chair facing the door. if i were a cis woman i would sit across from him, whereas if i was a cis man i would sit next to him. in either case i would take one piece of candy and slip it into my pocket for later. the HR manager rises to shake my hand. there are a million strategies to make a good impression on an interviewer with the correct handshake, but this isn’t my first rodeo.
ignoring his hand, i plunge my hand into the bowl of candy and deftly grab a handful, then begin feeding the HR manager. initially he’s agitated by my approach but i calm him down with my gentle demeanor. pretty soon he’s eating candy straight out of my hand. good sign. when he sits down i brush off his lap with a handkerchief (shows respect for his clothes by not using a bare hand, shows concern for cleanliness and thorough nature to clean off his lap).
i sit directly on his lap, and he winces in pain from my weight. “easy there, big fella. i’m not gonna hurt you.” i pat him on the head and reach into my pocket. i pull out a stick of wintergreen gum. the scent and flavor of the wintergreen calm his wild spirit and give me free rein to reach into the pocket of his trousers. “you won’t be needing this anymore,” i say, placing his wallet just beyond his arm’s reach on the table. “that life is behind you.”
carefully, i take his shoes. this is the hard part - even taking loafers off of an HR manager can startle them, make them bolt. but he trusts me. i put his shoes on my feet. they fit perfectly. i’m now ready to take his jacket and work badge and release him into the wild. he’ll be disoriented at first, but within a few months, he’ll rehabituate to the natural environment, maybe even find a mate and start a family. i’ll be a valued employee at my new job by then.
don’t worry about his clothes and wallet. he’ll find new ones, they always do. nature provides for all creatures.
Programming is very Kafkaesque. You’re dealing with this arbitrary system that no one will explain to you because no one actually understands all of it. There are bugs.
tiktok commentary account: KITTY/KAT? KITTYSELF? KITTY PRONOUNS? i was fine with they them but i draw the Line here ………. surely this is the downfall of an entire community. Thanks 13 year old autistic kids for RUINING the lgbts. h
skeleton cursed with sentience that’s been rotting in my cellar for the past millennia: you Hafe to kill…………………………. me
So Arizona launched an “education hotline” that allows “concerned parents” to report “””critical race theory””” and other things like ~gender identity~ being taught in the classroom
It would be a shame if the number and email were spread to bad actors looking to prank call the AZ Department of Education
and for the love of god, don’t just spam it with memes or le funny shrek jokes or whatever, they’ll just hang up
make plausible-sounding reports for things that don’t actually exist, so that they actually have to waste time/resources investigating false leads - the goal is to waste time they would otherwise be using to do their jobs, not to get tumblr clout for being an epic troll
So apparently the internet article said the superintendent wouldn’t be deterred by the prank calls because they would ‘taper off eventually’. It’d be a real shame if this post stayed in circulation via queues so they get a consistent list of prank calls to filter through. 😇
“OP why are you mad that your words are being misinterpreted you’re on the piss on the poor website” actually i think it’s very reasonable to demand people pay attention to the words they use, the choices they make, the things they believe, and their capacity for empathy and comprehension and that it’s sort of weird that you’re finding humor in making excuses to just believe that there simply is no possible way to improve your actions
here you go. here you fucking go. here are the fruits of my labors. wally sitting in a fucking chair. do you know how fucking long it took me to get wally to sit in that fucking chair at that fucking desk? do you know how god damn long it took me to make this picture, of wally sitting in a fucking chair? it took me over 8 hours over the course of two fucking days to sit wally in that fucking chair. i never want to talk about this again. i hate this program. i hate all programs that i had to use to make this picture. do you know how many fucking programs it took to make this picture? over 10. 10 fucking programs to make this fucking picture of wally sitting at a fucking desk. i hate all of them. every single fucking one of them contributed to these two days of mindless misery. i regret every second i spent trying to make anything with this program. there are three models in that picture and i made none of them and it still took two fucking days to get this shit to work together so i could make wally sit in a fucking chair. art is fake and dead i hate art every single pencil will burn in the fiery pits of hell
you should tweak the pose to make it look more natural
Oh Jeffrey? Jeff the killer? Oh yeah he’s not a teenager anymore. He’s 28. Yeah he’s still into the killing part just not as much. He says it lost its spark. Yeah he still says go to sleep but he’d honestly rather go sleep himself. He’s pretty chill. Past the killings. He’s a beloved member of the community. Yeah he’s on estrogen
Yeah, what the fuck are you gonna do about it, bitch?
I HAVE MANY CHUNKS THAT I WILL TOSS AT YOU.
I have many goblins who will eat those chunks!
FUCK. THAT WAS MY ONLY PLAN.
What a stupid golem! You’re not a foul golem, you’re a fool golem! All the other golems are laughing at you!
Hey be nice that’s offensive to golems.
That was the intention, tongue box.
WE HAVEN’T BEEN CHESTS SINCE THE 230S! That’s it I’m making a callout post on my Wumblr.com (wizard Tumblr.com) have fun getting manceled. (Magic canceled)
I’ve been manceled since day 1, loot licker.
Oh yeah well
You’re a bastard. A gnomish bastard.
*Movie theme music begins to play*
*music halts*
No no no no, you’re not turning me into a franchise you box for brains.
THE GNOMISH BASTARD IN…
THE MIMICK LIMIT!
*THEME MUSIC RESUMES*
*MARKETABLE PLUSHIES BEING PRODUCED*
*SHIP FANFICS AND ART BETWEEN TNB AND HIS HAT BEING MADE*
By the gods, the urge to write those fics…
Don’t actually, I have been informed by a very angry gnome that the hat is his son. This is a major PR blunder please do not spread the word.
It’s already half done, no going back now.
No no no, no no no no please he will push me inside of the mimick incinerator I know he has one somewhere. I don’t have any proof or intel or word on that I’m just guessing he has an incinerator for me if I get too problematic. So please don’t please please please
Lil snippet….
This time it was the god of intimacy, and the gnome was preparing some “anti-attraction” potions, to combat the god’s powers.
Yep, yep, alright, I’m lying in it. Thomas the train was originally meant to eat human flesh to survive. The sky is purple but you can’t see it because you’re dumb. Cannons were invented by John cannon in 123. Spells are called that because teachers lobbied to get them called that to make elementary school children more excited about selling. I am not a lonely person, I have many friends.
I didn’t mean to cause a mental breakdown.
I really don’t believe you.
Good. I was lying.
Rule 1: The Gnome always lies.
Well, you didn’t cause a mental break down. You caused a mental break UP. Wait, that’s not even better. In fact, that sounds worse. It sounds like my mind is breaking apart. Which it very well may be.
i can’t decide if this is the single coolest girl in the world for making danger her middle name or the silliest for not seeing the raw power of “millipede danger” which is the greatest name i have ever heard
astrology pisses me off more than can be rationally explained. i would destroy all the stars just to get rid of astrology. i would gladly let humankind die so no one can ask me whether they give off scorpio vibes
(LOTR theory) what happens if you slide the one ring on your dick? Like does it work like normal and turns you invisible and Sauron sees where you are, or does Sauron see exactly where you equipped the ring? Does he get disgusted? Is he into it? Does sliding it up and down count as ducking Sauron?
What the fuck went through your mind?
No no let them cook.
Maybe Sauron wouldn’t be so evil if he got that good dick
You, me, my place, pair of old typewriters, we cookin that fic like there’s no tommorow.
This is the funniest video concept I’ve ever seen. The backhandedness is killing me.
the best part is he had to cut it into parts bc he didn’t trust the game to not glitch and eventually he just had to make a rule that if he can’t see the glitch happening then it’s not a glitch and it doesn’t impact the gameplay. then he began to purposefully look away from glitches to try to ignore them.
To elaborate further, at one point he literally had to pull up a cat picture to cover the screen so he wouldn’t see what was happening- meaning he essentially created shrodinger’s glitch on pure technicality
The biggest cause of decreasing numbers in wizard populations isn’t magical mishaps or wizard duels, and it’s especially not old age, since some wizards manage immortality through their arcane knowledge. No, the true wizard-killer is falling for the irresistible urge to polymorph yourself into just a li'l guy of a creature and walk into the woods, never to be seen again. Forgo society and fuck off into the woods for the rest of time. Oh how nice it would be to just be a li'l guy…
Translation is always tricky, but I remember this slightly different:
Figs were an imported delicacy at the time, and the donkey just managed to eat them (without being given any on purpose). Seeing a donkey eating several times their own value in figs, the philosopher looked to his servant who might have been standing there either in shock, despair, or both, and said something along the lines of “Oh don’t just stand there. Get him some (undiluted) wine to wash the figs down with”. With (undiluted) wine also being an expensive drink.
I feel like that context makes it funnier. Basically like standing in front of your burning mansion with a butler, meeting their eyes, and telling them that you still feel a little chilly and ask them if they could put on an extra log or two.
idk what’s funnier, the burning house situation, or being the butler as you watch your master laugh so hard at his own joke that he fully fucking dies.
Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me.
I know there is a lot of discourse ™ around this right now but listen to me
sometimes you do just have to lie to children.
If, when my toddler is, you know, toddling around saying “mama? Big ball?”
If I were lean down and say “unfortunately the big beach ball for some reason fills you with such an unadulterated rage that is beyond human comprehension that you scream until you pass out, so mama had to remove the beach ball from the premises until you can better regulate your emotions” she would simply stare at me like I had 3 heads full of equal betrayal.
So, for now, instead “big ball went night night!”
Please understand when I say “removed the ball from the premises” I mean I popped it in a fit of exhausted confusion. I murdered the beach ball.
See I’ve lied to you all too and it was better this way.
you can’t just leave this in the tags etc.
You can’t be funnier then me on my own posts, I’m in tears from laughter
All of DnD Apothecary’s soaps are harvested from ✨ethically sourced gelatinous cubes✨
I need you all to know that this was @its-voxid ‘s joke and he was so proud and thought it would blow up on tumblr so I need y’all to like it or reblog it to make my husband/shop “boss” happy
ethically sourced = slain by adventurers looking for bigger treasure when they didn’t realize the true treasure was the soap ingredients right in front of them
God could you imagine how mad geologists must have been to slowly watch the “hey all the continents kinda fit like puzzle pieces :)” guy get proven right
It was a woman that did it!
I love girl talk, especially when it’s complex geological theory
sorry yeah the old webmaster of this site hanged themselves under mysterious circumstances with an ethernet cable. i’m your new host who is entirely innocent of any provable criminal wrongdoing
many problems are caused by the mindset that the world is divided into good people and bad people and the bad people can be “found out” and removed, eventually leading to a utopia containing only good people.
“It was much better to imagine men in some smokey room somewhere, made mad and cynical by privilege and power, plotting over brandy. You had to cling to this sort of image, because if you didn’t then you might have to face the fact that bad things happened because ordinary people, the kind who brushed the dog and told the children bed time stories, were capable of then going out and doing horrible things to other ordinary people. It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone’s fault. If it was Us, then what did that make Me? After all, I’m one of Us. I must be. I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We’re always one of Us. It’s Them that do the bad things.”
“Welcome to my new game show… ‘Can You Wizard?’ Where we take 3 ordinary people and quiz them on wizardry! Meet the contestants with us: Janet, Kevin, and Marcy! Tell us a bit about yourself Janet.”
“I-I don’t know where I am… I was on a train and now I’m here, I don’t kno-“
“That’s enough for you. Kevin! What do you like to do?”
“I just wanna go home, I haven’t seen my family in 3 weeks, please let me go!”
“Ha ha ha, hilarious. Marcy?”
*sounds of muffled sobbing*
“Brilliant!”
Where do I sign up?
“You don’t. If you’re watching this, you don’t classify as an ordinary person, and thus can’t participate.”
It just now occurred to me that some of yall don’t remember a time before touch screens
Like. The first popular touch screens I knew of were high end new-edition ipods and that was their defining trait. No buttons.
“But how do we use it without buttons?” Well. It has three buttons. Power and volume.
My whole class full of middle class kids had ipod nanos, ipod shuffles they got for Christmas. I had an MP3 player, and before that, a cassette player and a portable CD player.
The ‘ipod touch’ was goddamn crazy. Like, space-age shit.
I swear to god when I got one as a gift from a well-off relative it had no music, no games, I didn’t know how to connect it to the internet, nothing, but the reality of a smooth screen that responded when you touched it like some kind of goddamn hologram, like a pocket mirror with color-changing cuttlefish skin that knew I was touching it, that I just spent a solid hour and a half in my room just swiping the screen back and forth.
And the idea that you could connect to the INTERNET on it?? And not the expensive shitty pixelated crap you paid $50 a minute for on your flip phone, but WHOLE WEBSITES? JUST LIKE ON A LAPTOP? Ooooooooooohmygod.
And it was small enough to hide under the covers with!! I could read after bedtime!!! Before that, I had a second-hand digital camera, and I’d take photos of my comic books during the day so I could read through them later on the tiny ass 2"x2" view screen. And before THAT, it was a bedside lamp I’d scramble to turn off if it sounded like someone was getting close to the stairs.
And after the ipod touch, card readers started getting touch screens. I didn’t think I’d ever get used to being encouraged to smear my fingerprints on the glass.
And SMARTBOARDS? Hoooooooooooooooly shit.
Like. I’m not even old yet, and every so often I just suddenly remember that the world I knew at that age doesn’t exist anymore.
video: various wizards (white, 3 legged animals with witch hats on and simple smiley faces) zooming and panning across the screen in time with the song ‘cats on mars’ by the seatbelts.
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